Autumn means a couple of things. Foliage, pumpkin pies, scarves, chilly weather, H
alloween decorations…these are all inherent components of the season. Unless of course, you live on the west coast/left coast. Here in Los Angeles, we don’t have quite the same properties of this special time of year.
Instead of foliage, we have an elongated summer. Instead of pumpkin pies, we have ironic t-shirts that say “Jack-O-Lanterns are my best friends.” Instead of scarves to keep you warm we have decorative scarves to wear fashionably. Instead of chilly weather we have 114 degree heat waves. Halloween decorations? Yeah right. We have trendy accessories that may or may not be Halloween oriented.
I’m from Connecticut. Our biggest fear during the fall season is someone not using a brand name toilet paper to cover the house. In LA, my biggest fear is that Halloween is completely forgotten! The apathy towards the holiday stems from the lack of excitement to get dressed u
p. If you go for a stroll down Hollywood Boulevard, you’re going to see Spiderman, Batman, Elvis…anyone you can think of. I’ll see creepier people on a Wednesday night in Hollywood than I will on Halloween. That’s what we in the business like to call Horse Shit.
Remember when dressing up with a hilarious costume was fun? Remember that simpler time when you could wear short shorts, not because it was a fashion statement, but because your 1970’s basketball player costume required them? I understand that hipsters will be hipsters and the Goths will continue to Goth it out, but guys, can we agree that on Halloween, we can let the people who wear Dockers and polo shirts be the shining stars? FINE! You wear fishnet stocking every day, but maybe my girlfriend wants to wear them because she’s going as a wench this year. And yeah, I get that you wear decorative bandanas and eyeliner, but maybe I can be the focus this year when I go as a pirate? Is it too much to ask for one day a year?
So yes, I will be celebrating Halloween this year, and no, it won’t be ironically. I 
will drink apple cider. I will dress up like a jack ass. I will force my girlfriend to take 50 photos of me in what I consider to be “hilarious poses” while she rolls her eyes. I will demand those photos go onto Facebook immediately. She’ll say, “You look like an idiot. People you work with will see these.” Then I’ll say, “You don’t understand comedy. Don’t you get that I’m lunging in tiny shorts? Lunging! Tiny shorts!” Then of course she’ll say, “You always do this! You’re not funny! You think you’re funny, but You. Are. Not. Funny.” And obviously, I’ll reply, “If you think that, then maybe you should just leave.” And then she comes back with, “Fine! But I’m taking the cats!” And of course I’ll say, “Oh no! Not the cats! I love them so much! By the way, in case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic! That’s what funny is! I’m funny!” She’ll then storm out, leaving me alone in my tiny shorts sipping a beer.Is that too much to ask for, LA? All I want is one god damn day a year, so how ‘bout helping me out?
Damn, I look good.
