Alcoholic is a strong word. When I say it, I say it for the sake of comedy. I would never make light of alcoholism or suggest that someone was a ‘raging alcoholic’ unless I thought they had a very real problem that needed to be dealt with.
That being said: my sister, me, and almost everyone I consider a friend is an alcoholic.
My sister recently moved to LA, and until she finds her own digs, she’ll be staying with me and my girlfriend, Jessica. We don’t have a huge place and I
worried that there wouldn’t be enough room. However, something inexplicably wonderful happened. My sister’s immunity to staying healthy and sober is making life better! She’s opened a drunken door to a universe filled with Blue Moons and Red Wine.
On Tuesday night when I cracked open a beer to watch a basketball game, I wasn’t berated with the normal Jessica response of: “No! I hate basketball! We’re not watching this. Are you drinking? Why are you drinking? Why don’t you go for a run so you’re not dead in 3 years. You’re such an idiot.”
Now, because my sister is in the room, also enjoying a beer and watching the basketball game, we hear Jessica say: “Basketball! Who’s playing?! I fucking love basketball!”
It’s an amazing phenomenon.
My girlfriend, for whatever reason, never wants to appear moody or even remotely bitchy in front of other people. She wants to be the sweetest little thing you ever saw. When we’re alone, however, it’s a little different. Here is a scene from a recent Saturday when the two of us were by ourselves…
Int. Joe and Jessica’s Apartment
It’s a cool November day. The wind rustles, shaking the leaves from their gentle perch and creating an air of transformation. It’s a good day to be alive.
Joe
Hey Sweetness, do you know where I left my wallet?Jessica
How the fuck would I know?Joe
Whoa, no need to curse. I was just wondering if you remember where I left my wallet.Jessica
Why? Because I have nothing better going on in my CRAPPY life? Now I have to remember where YOUR dumb ass left YOUR fucking wallet? And by the way, my life is CRAPPY solely because of you. Oh my god…are you getting fatter?Joe
(Begins to cry)
No, it’s just, my wallet was in our bedroom…and you know I’m cutting out carbs, and…Jessica
(interrupting)
God, you’re such a fucking girl.At this point, Jessica reaches into her purse and pulls out Joe’s wallet. She throws it as hard as she can and hits Joe directly in the face.
Jessica
Yeah, big surprise, I stole your wallet. Probably gonna steal it again too. What are you gonna do about it? Fucking try something and I’ll just run away, and guess what…you won’t catch me because you weigh a million pounds.Joe continues to cry as Jessica exits the room laughing maniacally.
That is the unabridged, word for word interaction, Jessica and I had. Now, compare it to the conversation we had when my sister WAS IN the room with us…
Int. Joe and Jessica’s Apartment
It’s a November day.
Joe
Jessica, have you seen my wallet?Jessica
OH MY GOD! You can’t find it?? Have you looked everywhere? Where do you want me to look? We need to find that wallet for you, honey bunch!Jessica pulls out her cell phone
Joe
Who are you calling?Jessica
The police! We gotta find that wallet!Nicole
Wow, you’re a really great girlfriend.Jessica
Who me? No…I’m just doing what any good girlfriend would. Before I forget, what’s your favorite kind of cake? I was thinking about making a bunch of them so you’d have something to eat. I know Joey loves vanilla with chocolate frosting, so I’m definitely making that one, but if you want something different, I can make that too!Joe
Do you think you could also pick up some beer?Jessica
Sorry, I can’t.Joe and Nicole look disappointed.
Jessica
Because I already did!Jessica opens the fridge revealing hundreds of beers. Joe and Nicole yell out and high-five. Unbridled enthusiasm runs rampant through the apartment.
Disclaimer: This is all 100% accurate. Nothing has been embellished for the sake of humor. Thank you.
