Oprah has more money than the U.S. Treasury. What does this mean? It means she’s able to put on her incredibly ridiculous “Favorite Things” episodes during the holiday season. This year her audience received a 52 inch 3D television, an iPad, and a car! That’s just to name a few! It’s unbelievable.
Here’s my problem: with her unrelenting onslaught of financial well-being, why not get a little more extravagant? I mean, who hasn’t been on a cruise? Who doesn’t already own $500 worth of lingerie from Nordstrom’s? Not only has it been done, it’s been done by you, Oprah.
I’ve been thinking about it, and if I had the kind of cash Oprah did, I would hand out WAY better prizes. Unimaginable prizes. Ultimately, the best prizes ever.
So without further ado, I present:
“Joe’s Favorite Things if he had Oprah Money!”
Magic Carpet Ride with TV’s Reginald Veljohnson!
Known for his iconic portrayal of Carl Winslow, there’s no telling what kind of mischief and good times will be had! You’ll be in such disbelief you’ll think, “Did I do that?” Heck yeah ya did! And it was a blast!
(We are not responsible for Reginald getting “handsy” on the magic carpet.)
A Unicorn Ride in Mordor
Now, I’m not talking about riding a horse with a glued on horn in New Zealand. I’m talking about breeding a Rhinoceros and a Pony together and then buying a small island off the coast of Asia that’s never been inhabited. Once purchase of the island is complete, the original set designers from Lord of the Rings will be flown in to re-create Mordor.
(We are not responsible if you are maimed by your unicorn.)
A 4D Television
While a 3D television allows you to feel like you’re in the movie, a 4D television allows you to physically enter your TV! No more wondering what it would be like to walk around on the “Lost” island…wondering is a thing for the poor!
(This is 100% different from that TV in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. Wonka had to shrink people and send them through radio waves. You know who enjoys radios? The elderly and the poor.)
John Lennon and Elvis Performing in your House LIVE!
With Oprah money, reanimation of formerly dead music legends is a very real thing. Just a little digging and a little Frankensteining, and we’re in business! Just think how impressed your friends will be when you get a picture with Elvis and Lennon! You’ll be the talk of the town!
(Please note: Lennon may be a bit rattled about reanimation and refuse to perform. All we can promise is that he’s there, we can’t promise that he’ll sing.)
(Disclaimer: Also, please be aware that Zombie Elvis and Zombie Lennon are very real possibilities. Be careful.)
