Dear Louis Welch,
As a loyal member of your gymnasium, I believe you have made some very serious faux pas that need to be rectified immediately.
I will keep my points brief and to the point. You are a busy man whose time needn’t be wasted.
For starters, Mr. Welch, I have always enjoyed quenching my thirst with a delicious and nutritious protein shake at your juice bar. Unfortunately your juice barista, “Shootah”, refused to serve me anything but Rumplemintz. When I insisted on a protein shake, Shootah informed me that it was, “2-for-1 right now! We also got Jager! 2-for-1 Jager, bro!” From a financial standpoint, 2-for-1 Jager shots make fiscal sense, but I elected to pass, what with it being 10am and us being in a gym.
Shootah was less than thrilled with my response. He quickly slung back his Bud Ice forty and asked a nearby girl, “how much do polar bears weigh?” Shootah quickly collapsed to the ground. Of course, this was before he refunded me the $6.99 I paid for a Mango-Bango Shake. That is poor business practice, Mr. Welch.
After my awful juice bar experience, I went to the treadmills to burn off some steam. Unfortunately, it was borderline impossible to hear my audio book due to the absurd volume of the techno music. I politely asked one of your employees if she could turn it down, but she was less than amiable.
After she laughed at my current speed on the treadmill, she informed me that, “techno is how shit gets done around here, Heavy Chase. How ‘bout you try feeling the burn?” She cackled and walked off. This was unacceptable, Mr. Welch. Techno music is not the great motivator you think it is.
Now Mr. Welch, I have been using your facility for almost six years, so you can understand my confusion this past Tuesday when one of your fitness consultants decided I should be nudged in the direction of a personal trainer. After politely replying that I was not in the market for a personal trainer, Chip laughed in disbelief, commenting to his fellow employee, “I guess Fat King Cole over here doesn’t like gettin’ laid?” I informed him that I very much enjoyed making love, to which he promptly interrupted to call me a “faggot”.
I think what is irking me the most is the cleverness of your staffs’ wordplay. I am torn between my embarrassment and my appreciation.
I insisted that Chip and his associate stop mocking me. I was at the gym trying to better my life through exercise, and all I was getting was ostracized. (Note: Rhyming never makes one appear threatening. I have only myself to blame on that one.)
I pleaded for them to stop their contemptuous behavior and thankfully they succumbed, apologizing for their ridicule. Unfortunately, as I turned to walk away I heard Chip yell out, “See ya at Dairy Queen, Colin Girth.”
Do your employees have a list of puns to use on overweight people? There is no way they are coming up with these out of thin air. I do not buy it.
If all of that were not enough, Mr. Welch, when I finally decided to speak with a manager about my concerns, the encounter was less than productive. I voiced my discontent for his employees and the heinous nature in which they were behaving. He listened intently, paused briefly, and then inquired, “Would some blow make up for this?”
Taken aback by his question, I asked him to repeat himself. His eyes quickly darted back and forth and again he asked if I wanted some blow. While I enjoyed where his offer was coming from, I do not enjoy drugs, Mr. Welch. He then informed me that it would help with my weight loss. “Chubbos usually love blow. I mean, fuck dude, you look like you’re in Portly Crue.”
All right, that one was pretty good.
Please do not view this letter as out of line, as it was my final option. After I declined the blow, your manager threatened to “bash in my face” if I continued to talk like, “that gay dude from ‘Frasier’”. Electing to articulate my apprehensions with the written word, I present this letter to you.
Never in all my life have I been treated with such disrespect and maliciousness. I insist that I receive a personal apology from you posthaste. I do not think what I am asking for is too much, so your cooperation is greatly anticipated and appreciated.
I would also like my $6.99 back, or at the very least, a coupon for a free Mango-Bango Shake.
Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Fred Herbstanowicz
