Joe enters the conference room at a local Marriot, expecting to be at a Guy Fieri book signing.
Joe: Hey, what’s going on in here?
Joe’s Netflix account, his Pandora account and his TiVo are seated in the room.
Netflix: We have to talk.
Joe: Wait a second…where’s Guy?
TiVo: This is an intervention.
Joe: …hosted by Guy Fieri?
Pandora: No Joe. Guy won’t be here. We have some serious concerns about your choices in music, film and television.
Joe: That’s outrageous!
Pandora: Is it? Show him, TiVo.
TiVo clicks a few buttons and quickly all of Joe’s recordings come up. There are gasps of horror.
Joe: This is taken completely out of context!
Pandora: What the hell is “Cake Boss”?
Joe: He’s this baker in Jersey, and his whole family works there and…
Netflix: That sounds awful.
TiVo: It is awful. Also, why do you make me record so much “Glee”?
Joe: I think Jane Lynch is really funny.
Pandora: Bullshit. You’re not playing the “Jane Lynch is funny” card. Too many gleetards are relying on that. Just like everyone else, you’re watching for the rambunctious, sex-charged thirty-something’s, masquerading as teenagers.
Joe: You can’t prove that.
TiVo: Well how about we check out your Netflix account then?
Joe: I have nothing to hide.
Netflix: You’ve had The Labyrinth for three years! Why are you wasting ten dollars a month? Go buy the movie for a nickel and end this charade!
TiVo: Three years of The Labyrinth? What the heck did you rent before that?
Joe: I don’t remember.
Netflix: Don’t you?
Joe: C’mon…don’t bring that up…it’s not even…
Netflix: “Fletch Lives”.
Pandora: They made a second Fletch?
Joe: Guys, guys…he’s a reporter, but ACTS like a detective!
Netflix: Yeah we know. Know how? FLETCH ONE!
Joe: Whatever, this is so bogus. And why is Pandora here? I have great taste in music.
Pandora: Then why do you have four stations dedicated to “Arcade of Fire” songs?
Joe: Because they rock.
Pandora: That’s not even their name!
Netflix: There’s nothing lamer than the indie bandwagon.
Joe: I’m a die-hard A of F fan!
Pandora: Name the lead singer.
Joe: …I wanna say Blake?
Pandora: You always do this! Some new band hits the scene and suddenly you’re SO hardcore! Stick with your roots, dude. Journey, Blue Oyster Cult, Rick Springfield…
Joe: God, I’m so pathetic.
Pandora: Every time I play indie music you click “I don’t like it” until something “Rod Stewarty” comes on. Your words, not mine.
Joe: In fairness, the Rod-Man really knows how to shred.
TiVo: This is pointless. He’s a fucking addict.
Netflix: I’m not giving up on him! Not yet!
Pandora: Maybe we should take smaller steps. Joe, tell me a band that you really like, and we’ll go from there.
Joe: What if they’re indie?
Pandora: That’s fine. Just pick a band you really, really like.
Joe: Clown Shovel.
TiVo: That’s not a band!
Joe: Yes it is! They’re just super underground right now.
Netflix: That’s it, we have to cut him off.
Joe: No, you can’t do that!
Pandora: You’re only listening to Santana.
Joe: Santana? They’re the Latin Phish! How is that fair!?
Netflix: And no more Labyrinth. You’re watching The Godfather.
Joe: What!? Isn’t that thing like ten hours?
TiVo: You haven’t seen The Godfather? Your last name is Cristalli!
Joe: I saw the third one…same thing, no?
TiVo: That’s it…no more “Mike & Molly”.
Joe: No…
TiVo: You’re watching “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad”.
Joe: Those aren’t even dramadies! If I have to watch drama, can it at least be “Law & Order: SVU”?
TiVo: No! You’re not fooling me with crime procedurals. You got away with “NCIS” for way too long. If you’re not careful, I’ll dig up old episodes of “The Wire”.
Joe: Isn’t that critically acclaimed?
TiVo: Only by the media. Middle America didn’t care for it.
Joe: Nooo!!!!!
(SPECIAL THANKS to www.sharonhardy.com for all the photographs!)
