Welcome to my ongoing review of controversial new genetic startup, My Little Me. In case you missed it, check out Day One and Day Two of my adventure.
Day 3: Complete Confusion
I just woke up totally dazed and confused. What the heck happened last night, and what’s with all these empty liquor bottles…
I head downstairs to find Little Joe but something is very wrong. The house has been ransacked. I call out for Little Joe but he’s nowhere.
As I turn the corner, I see Jessica. Oh my God…
She has trouble speaking because she’s so close to death, but manages to get a few words out.
“Little Joe drugged you last night, ” groans Jessica. “After you were out of the picture, he tried to…cough….put the moves on me…”
“What did you do?” I ask.
Jessica shrugs and says she was kind of into it…
Jessica continues, “It was actually going well until we got back here and threw you upstairs. We started getting down to business, but I quickly found out he was…ya know….not quite complete.”
“He’s not complete?” I question. Jessica, barely alive at this point, grabs me by my lapels and pulls me close…
“Little Joe was engineered not to reproduce. When he unzipped and saw he had no genitalia, he freaked out. He started drinking and kept going on and on about ‘unfinished business’. He’s gone crazy with depression and murderous rage. You have to stop him, or the results will be dire!”
And with that, Jessica was dead. She was a bit cliché, but dead nonetheless.
I mourned her death…
…briefly. I mean, I only met her yesterday, and if I understand her story correctly, she started hooking up with Little Joe after she explicitly knew he drugged me.
Maybe Jessica wasn’t the girl I thought she was…
There was no time left to waste. I had to find Little Joe and figure out what was going on.
I looked through Little Joe’s things, hoping there would be some kind of clue. I open the box he came in and out drops an envelope…
That was odd. Why had I not seen this before? I remember back to when Little Joe first got here… he never let me look in the box! Oh boy, this could really be cashews for me!
The letter reads: “While adorable, your Little Me should never be left alone, given alcohol or trusted. Their tiny genetic makeup makes it very hard for them to process alcohol, trust and freedom the way we do. Do not give your Little Me any of these things.”
Crap! I did all of those things!
I continue reading and find a number to call if Little Joe goes “berserk.” That’s their word, not mine.
I dial and prepare for the worst…
It rings a couple times and a message starts playing:
“So you’re having some problems with your Little Me, ‘eh? Not to worry, there are several simple solutions that can get your life and your city’s life, back on track! Let’s go over a few things to get a better understanding of the problem. If your Little Me has gone berserk, please press one.”
“You’ve selected one, meaning your little me has gone berserk. If he went berserk because he is self-aware, press one. If you gave him alcohol, please press two. If he’s realized his genitalia is missing, please press three. If all of the above has happened, please press four.”
“Holy God, you’ve pressed 4? No need to panic yet, but if the whereabouts of your little me are currently unknown, please press 1.”
“You’ve selected that yes, the whereabouts of your Little Me are currently unknown. Not to worry! We’ve just alerted your town’s local authorities, as well as local SWAT and local FBI. They should be there shortly, and hopefully, in enough time to prevent any vandalism, murder and/or mayhem. However, please be advised that you are currently NOT SAFE. Your Little Me, while tiny in stature, has the strength of three normal sized men. We know what you’re thinking and yes; this was dumb. We know that now. We would suggest getting out of your home, because odds are, your Little Me, who by now is drunk on murderous rage and alcohol, has probably fashioned a makeshift bomb and/or firearm out of your household materials. You are not safe. In fact, if you’ve had your back turned for a while, he’s probably behind you now. ”
“Good luck!”
Thanks to Jeremy Slome and Jeff Greco for help with the photography!
