I recently got engaged and all I’ve heard since is, “How’d you do it? How’d you pop the question?”
I don’t want to tell the story anymore. It was a special and intimate moment that deserves privacy. I’m not going to exploit my newfound engagement just to get some cheap laughs from a couple randos who don’t care about me or my fiancée Jessica.
That being said, I’ve decided to recreate the events here on Rejecting Sobriety.
So without further ado:
Just a couple clerical things we need to take care of before getting into this:
Jessica wanted no part in this retelling. Apparently, I “abused her trust” the last time we had a photo shoot. Hey everybody—when I called her a whore, it was a joke!
Whatever. I’m an artist. You know what it’s called when art doesn’t offend people? It’s called crap. If I wanted to mass-produce crap, I’d work for Ed Hardy.
Anyway, the part of Jessica will be played by my manager, Jeff. Jeff was super excited to help out.
Aside from Jessica not wanting to be in this retelling, I think it’s also important to note, that while the proposal was elegant and simple, it would be a bit bland on paper.
That’s why I hired Michael Bay to produce this blog post.
What? You don’t believe me? Well, how about now!
Holy Christ… that’s freaking epic! Well done, Bay-Dog. I don’t use the word “awesome-sauce”, but if I did, this feels like it would be the appropriate platform.
Our night started off with a bang. I shot a homeless guy in the foot for Jessica’s amusement and then hired a marching band to play that Bon Jovi song that goes, “Shot Through the Heart”, and also hired recent American Idol winner, Scotty McCreery, to sing “Shot Through the Foot” (a parody song I commissioned Weird Al to write) while it happened. Boy oh boy, look at those fireworks!
From there we went to dinner… on the moon!
A lot of people claim it’s hard to get reservations for the moon, but you just need to plan ahead. Like 13 lightyears ahead! Ha-ha, no. Just like 10 lightyears.
And get this… we were lucky enough to book noted lunar crooner, Roy Orbit-son, to sing table-side!
He looks vintage.
After dinner, I wanted to do something really romantic. I wanted Jessica to remember her life changed this night and it would never be the same. She was no longer just my girlfriend… she was going to be my wife.
So I hired a monkey to punch a clown in the groin!
It was amazing. I could not have asked for a more perfect anything.
Things were really beginning to fall into place, and I knew it was time to bring out the ring. We drove down to Venice Beach and got on the back of a killer whale that was waiting for us. I got down on one knee, and asked my beautiful girlfriend to marry me.
And guess what… she said yes!
Now it’s time for the Hawaiian wedding! I really think that we’re going to make it. We could not be any happier.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The “Special Occasion Trucker Hat” is a product of Rejecting Sobriety LLC, a wholly-owned subsidiary of HumorCo, which is a joint venture by parent companies Fung Shu Steel and Yum! Brands. Accept no imitations! Rejecting Sobriety LLC is not responsible for any bodily harm caused by the usage of this product and/or service. Buy it today!
As always, a special thanks to Jeff Greco for all the photography work.
